My father died two days ago now i have to move on?!
Question: My father died two days ago now i have to move on.?
im 23 for 20 years i lived with my father, for ten of those years we lived alone together where i worked in his pub, he wasnt that good a dad his drink ruled his life this meant i had to grow up fast to run his buisness.
when he got really ill the first time my 2 bros helped me to run the pub and get my dad off the booze and he was doing great until his ex (the woman he left my mother for) put the beer back in his hand and told him he could drink as much as he liked.
she was a very nasty woman she told me when i was 15 'ive taken your father from you once and i will take him from you again' so in short myself and one of my brothers moved away because he always sided with her no matter how nasty she was she also kicked my brother and i out of our house that my farther, brother and myself rented and he went along with it from then we broke contact
anyway she sent me a text the other night it said ''you will be pleased to know your dad died at 10.30 last night not that you care you little *****' (lol she is very childish)
we walked aways from my father because his drinking had caused me to give up my education and the emotinal blackmail was all the time. he never hurt any of us physically but mentally he did mess up my brother more than me im still quite happy go lucky but im still working on leaving the past in the past.(no medication needed or used lol)
the main thing is there is talk of a letter that he has written to me im not sure if ceri will pass it on or not but in a way im hoping she doesnt because if its a letter saying sorry for how he had acted and sorry fo the things he did it would bring everything back and i would have to start again. if i do get the letter should i read it.?.? should i throw it away.?.?
the guy was a tosser but he taught me a trade though i dont like being a chef it still a job that is in high demand and it pays the bills so i cant fault him fo that. he lived in cypress im in the uk so cant and wouldnt be aloud to go to the funeral.i was his only daughter and as a kid he loved me so much i was his favorite until the booze and ceriHealth Question & Answer
when he got really ill the first time my 2 bros helped me to run the pub and get my dad off the booze and he was doing great until his ex (the woman he left my mother for) put the beer back in his hand and told him he could drink as much as he liked.
she was a very nasty woman she told me when i was 15 'ive taken your father from you once and i will take him from you again' so in short myself and one of my brothers moved away because he always sided with her no matter how nasty she was she also kicked my brother and i out of our house that my farther, brother and myself rented and he went along with it from then we broke contact
anyway she sent me a text the other night it said ''you will be pleased to know your dad died at 10.30 last night not that you care you little *****' (lol she is very childish)
we walked aways from my father because his drinking had caused me to give up my education and the emotinal blackmail was all the time. he never hurt any of us physically but mentally he did mess up my brother more than me im still quite happy go lucky but im still working on leaving the past in the past.(no medication needed or used lol)
the main thing is there is talk of a letter that he has written to me im not sure if ceri will pass it on or not but in a way im hoping she doesnt because if its a letter saying sorry for how he had acted and sorry fo the things he did it would bring everything back and i would have to start again. if i do get the letter should i read it.?.? should i throw it away.?.?
the guy was a tosser but he taught me a trade though i dont like being a chef it still a job that is in high demand and it pays the bills so i cant fault him fo that. he lived in cypress im in the uk so cant and wouldnt be aloud to go to the funeral.i was his only daughter and as a kid he loved me so much i was his favorite until the booze and ceriHealth Question & Answer
Answers:
wow chic, thats alot of stuff there.
You say "now you have to move on" like thats life and you just gotta deal with it (ie not deal with it, just move on) and get on with things.
But as your question shows, it doesn't work like that.
You have alot of stuff that was unresloved between you both, and alot that is still problematic, both with your own mentality and outlook on the world which has no doubt been affected bu your life with him, and with his ex wife who does not sound on your side to put it mildly.
Its one thing to get embroiled back in the issues that are with your dads ex partner and there is a whole other issue about repairing yourself and comming to terms with things. Neither are easy.
I don't know how you want to deal with things, -I don't know if you are unsure either and thats perhaps the reason for your question, but personally, I would want to do one thing at a time. If you don't have to, don't see your dads ex partner. Now is not really the best time to try to do anything with her, both of you will be emiotionally charged- more so then normal. And as a result, things get said that are untrue and could be emotionally scarring or incite really nasty things that could cause perminant damage (I am talking criminal damage here) which will not benefit either of you in many ways.
I would first take some space to myself, try to get some time too if you can, but if this is not possible, try to just get some space.
Try keeping a diary, just somewhere to express what is going on. If this is hard, buy a diary book with a page per day, then you have a start and an end, its sometimes easier to write things down if you know you have just so much space.
Then when you feel you want to talk, just to remember him, or have questions unaswered, then could be a time to talk to others, ask questions. Make ends meet.
But sometimes this is not possible, and other times it does not work or is not enough or its not helping or you feel stuck...
The would be a good idea to get some councelling. Specificly for grief.
Its been a few days, its so early on! you really need to be patient, grief affects everyone very differently and usually takes years before you come out the other side and are able to put most of it behind you. It varies from person to person.
I cannot comment on your dad's ex, but can see that you dislike her. It must hurt aswell that she came between you and that is a separate issue, but in terms of a letter- I can tell that your unsure about ignoring the letter. Its hard to think about doing now but it could be something you regret not keeping at a later date. Maybe its worth trying to get someone to keep the letter safe- if you can get it. Then when you are at a distance from the death, you may feel that you want to read the letter, not so much for comfort, but more for a reminder. Nothing will right things that have hurt and scarred the way they have but that does not mean your feelings wont change. Its hard to think that way right now but maybe its something you have to think about logically rather then emotionally.
For grief councelling, try Cruise berevement and also it could be worth contacting Alcoholics Anon who could have info for families of alcoholics who are bereaved. also its a very good idea to inform your GP of whats happened as they can offer practical support in terms of your mood and health.Health Question & Answer
You say "now you have to move on" like thats life and you just gotta deal with it (ie not deal with it, just move on) and get on with things.
But as your question shows, it doesn't work like that.
You have alot of stuff that was unresloved between you both, and alot that is still problematic, both with your own mentality and outlook on the world which has no doubt been affected bu your life with him, and with his ex wife who does not sound on your side to put it mildly.
Its one thing to get embroiled back in the issues that are with your dads ex partner and there is a whole other issue about repairing yourself and comming to terms with things. Neither are easy.
I don't know how you want to deal with things, -I don't know if you are unsure either and thats perhaps the reason for your question, but personally, I would want to do one thing at a time. If you don't have to, don't see your dads ex partner. Now is not really the best time to try to do anything with her, both of you will be emiotionally charged- more so then normal. And as a result, things get said that are untrue and could be emotionally scarring or incite really nasty things that could cause perminant damage (I am talking criminal damage here) which will not benefit either of you in many ways.
I would first take some space to myself, try to get some time too if you can, but if this is not possible, try to just get some space.
Try keeping a diary, just somewhere to express what is going on. If this is hard, buy a diary book with a page per day, then you have a start and an end, its sometimes easier to write things down if you know you have just so much space.
Then when you feel you want to talk, just to remember him, or have questions unaswered, then could be a time to talk to others, ask questions. Make ends meet.
But sometimes this is not possible, and other times it does not work or is not enough or its not helping or you feel stuck...
The would be a good idea to get some councelling. Specificly for grief.
Its been a few days, its so early on! you really need to be patient, grief affects everyone very differently and usually takes years before you come out the other side and are able to put most of it behind you. It varies from person to person.
I cannot comment on your dad's ex, but can see that you dislike her. It must hurt aswell that she came between you and that is a separate issue, but in terms of a letter- I can tell that your unsure about ignoring the letter. Its hard to think about doing now but it could be something you regret not keeping at a later date. Maybe its worth trying to get someone to keep the letter safe- if you can get it. Then when you are at a distance from the death, you may feel that you want to read the letter, not so much for comfort, but more for a reminder. Nothing will right things that have hurt and scarred the way they have but that does not mean your feelings wont change. Its hard to think that way right now but maybe its something you have to think about logically rather then emotionally.
For grief councelling, try Cruise berevement and also it could be worth contacting Alcoholics Anon who could have info for families of alcoholics who are bereaved. also its a very good idea to inform your GP of whats happened as they can offer practical support in terms of your mood and health.Health Question & Answer
If you do get the letter and don't feel like you want to read it right now, just hold on to it. There might come a time when your ready and his last words to you are not something you just wanna throw in the trash because one day the curiosity of not knowing what it said may haunt you. Just to add... I cant believe that ***** sent you a text to tell you your dad died! Take care and im sorry for your lossHealth Question & Answer
one thing about this is that only a few days have elapsed, so not enough time to evaluate whats happened to him let alone move on, that can take years. You loved him once, keep that in your mind and think of all the good things and try and push away all of the bad.
He may have been wrong in many ways, but we can all be, chin up, move on but not yet, its way too early, get counselling by the way because believe me it does help.
best wishesHealth Question & Answer
He may have been wrong in many ways, but we can all be, chin up, move on but not yet, its way too early, get counselling by the way because believe me it does help.
best wishesHealth Question & Answer
My condolences on the loss of your dad and I am sorry that you have had to deal with his wife. It sounds like you have been through the wringer with him, his alcoholism and this woman. One of the most unfortunate things about alcoholism is that it is is a disease which has such a significant impact not only on the person directly but also on the family and friends who surround them that they are sick. Alcoholism is as disabling for those around the person as it is for the afflicted one and is does not discriminate against people by race, creed, gender or financial status. also one doesn't have to be living in a cardboard box in the street to be seriously afflicted. While you haven't been as close as you had been in several years I am going to venture a guess that he still loved you as much as he did when you were a kid, alcohol took over his life. One of the really neat things is that he left a letter for you. Just because he left the letter does not mean you have to read it right away, you can simply accept it from this other woman and hold off on reading it. It will take time to come to terams with his death you have a unique private insight to what was going on with him. Plus once you have the letter you can put it off to the side and read it when and if you truly want to. That ensueres that his current wife cannot alter the contents or decide to throw it away. If you throw it away you run the risk of regretting it. I am going to suggest you get the letter so you know that you have it. You might also want to consider a self help group such as Alanon to help you deal with the way his disease has affected you and the rest of your family. Good luck to you.Health Question & Answer
If your father went to the trouble of writing you a letter, I think he wanted you to read it, and it would be really heartfelt. He probably knew all along that ceri was a *****, and his drinking killed him, but he loved you very very much.
It should bring back the GOOD memories, and make you happy. Ceri HAS to give it to you. It's illegal for her not too. You could go to cops about this.
Remember, this letter should make you feel GOOD, and you don't have to start over. Just continue living your life the way you have been. I think it's beautiful that he wrote you a letter. It might make you cry, but, remember, he'd want you to read it.
Yours is a sad story, but hopefully you learned a lot from your relationship with your father. Bless you and good luck. :)Health Question & Answer
It should bring back the GOOD memories, and make you happy. Ceri HAS to give it to you. It's illegal for her not too. You could go to cops about this.
Remember, this letter should make you feel GOOD, and you don't have to start over. Just continue living your life the way you have been. I think it's beautiful that he wrote you a letter. It might make you cry, but, remember, he'd want you to read it.
Yours is a sad story, but hopefully you learned a lot from your relationship with your father. Bless you and good luck. :)Health Question & Answer
You should read the letter it could explain a lot of things. It's only been two days, and time is a great healer, so do what you can now to set things right, because once time has passed it may be to late and you will regret it for the rest of your life. You have obviously been strengthed by what has happened to you
I hope that you make the right decision and all goes well for you. Health Question & Answer
I hope that you make the right decision and all goes well for you. Health Question & Answer